Hi there all...
So, I've decided to initially chronicle this journey daily over the next forty days. I thought about waiting until I'd figured it all out and just blog about the testimony, but that would be a half-truth. If I'm endeavoring to be transparent that means I'm going to share the tests, as well the testimonies.
Today has definitely been a test. It started off pretty good. I got up and prayed. I've been dealing with a cold and I was super exhausted so I took a sick day. I rested a little more and did some reading for school. The other day I set myself to go on a fast; it had been coming up in my spirit for sometime now and I'd do a day or two here and there, but would always end breaking the fast prematurely. Yesterday was the first day and it wasn't too bad. Today, however, my flesh was screaming for food. I did well up until about 5pm. I began to reason with myself. I consciously walked in to a cafe and purchased a bottle of juice and a bag of pretzels. I thought to myself, I know I shouldn't be having this, but I need something. I drank the juice and ate about half the pretzels before tossing them out. All though my body was no longer craving food, I wasn't satisfied. I felt the deprivation in my spirit. I had starved by spirit through disobedience in order to feed my flesh. I felt bad and decided again within myself not to break the fast again. Fast-forward about six hours when I got home from class. Despite my re-commitment to the fast just hours prior, I headed for the fridge and grazed.
As I think about this chain of events, God began speaking to me about several things:
1) needs - you have to be smarter than your body it will try and tell you that what it wants is what you need
2) feelings - there's no use in feeling condemned after you disobey instructions you will always feel convicted before you act. Follow your conviction; don't ignore it and then wallow in condemnation.
3) commitment - be committed to God; really committed. Run to Him and trust Him when your flesh and feelings are overwhelming.
I thought back to Pastor Mike's lesson on the leaven of the pharisees. Leaven is a yeast containing additive that is used to make bread rise. In the Bible Israel was instructed to eat unleavened bread for certain occasions. The thing about yeast is it takes very little yeast to change the consistency of a large batch of dough. Sin is the same way. It only takes a little bit to slip into your life and before you realize it your entire consistency has changed. Today the yeast was a bottle of juice and a handful of pretzel that lead to breaking the fast again. It's not about the food it's about the disobedience. The first act of disobedience opened the door for a second. I became less sensitive to the spirit and more sensitive to the flesh. After breaking the fast it wasn't long before thoughts of calling someone that I know I shouldn't call crept into my mind. Thankfully, I didn't make the call. Sometimes God requires us to focus our communication on Him rather than others. God has to be my first source of comfort, putting anyone else in that spot is the little yeast that can gradually lead me to picking up the phone instead of praying.
God showed me it's this exact pattern of behavior that got me off track to begin with. Satan would love to convince you that 'oh, that's just a "little" sin what's it gonna hurt'. You'll start thinking, 'well, if I just have sex this one time, or just tell this little lie, etc' and before you know it you don't even know how to live righteously anymore. Trust me I know from experience. The devil isn't going to come out with signs and a marching band saying this way to sin; no he's cunning. He's going to try and quietly seduce you into sin a little at a time. Just think about how he got to Eve; he's still using the same old tricks.
Well, that was today. It wasn't perfect, but I learned from it and hopefully by sharing someone can avoid the same mistakes I made.
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